Being nice to your gf so you dont get bashed

I’m really scared…

Honestly, I thought I was over you. I thought I had my heart and mind settled down. I thought I didn’t love you. So why is it that it took an entire year for me to get over you, yet it only took less than a month for me to fall again? It’s not fair… Throughout Year 12, I was so heartbroken… I felt so much pain and agony, so much regret…. I was so certain I was not romantically in love with you anymore… So why did my walls and barriers to my heart break? Maybe it’s because I always kept you close, in a special corner of my heart. I always held onto you, I couldn’t let go of you…

It’s seriously not fair Lily… You’re not allowed to hold onto my arm, pull my hand, or lean on me…. Throughout first year uni, I never let you hold onto my hand or arm. I continually tried to shrug you off, and it’s because I wouldn’t give a chance for my heart to waver. But during Luna Park, you were sick, I kinda had no choice… And I’d be lying if I said this as an excuse. Apart of me wanted you to cling on, to lean on my shoulder. Deep down inside, I want to be there with you. I want you to lean on me…. But I promised myself I wouldn’t let those emotions out. SO WHY DID THEY COME OUT? I’m so sly…  It’s not fair……. I know you’ll never see me more than a friend.. I’ve always known that… I’ll always be in the friend zone with you. You’ll never love me romantically… I know that… I keep telling myself “I know that“…

So please, if you don’t want me to fall for you,… please…. don’t do those cute bf/gf gestures…. I know you’ll reject me if I confess to you. I know that… But I don’t have a choice… It took an entire year for me to get over you, and in less than a month I’m falling for you again. In this sense, I was never able to fully get over you…. But I know if I confessed to you this time, I know I’ll eventually recover and move on with my life.

And Nicole, everyone says she’s a replacement of Lily… And to be honest, when I first met her, I was so afraid she reminded me of you. I remember writing a post saying I wanted to fall for Nicole, and not the shadows of Lily… But knowing myself,…, I think I’m chasing after the remnants of you lily… Which means I’m still chasing after you… 

So what can I do? I feel if I never confess to you, then I’ll always be looking for your shadow or replacement in other people… I feel like I’ll never fall for anyone else… I’ll always be falling for ‘you, your shadow; finding your image in other people… And I don’t want that… It will only mean regret… Looking for you in others will just remind me of you and those ‘What ifs’. I don’t want to think “What if”. I don’t want to feel regret. I guess I want to definitively know you don’t like me, so I can finally move on…

Because let’s face it… We’re restricting each other from finding new people. If you continually stay with me, you won’t meet new guys, and vice versa… We’re stuck in this infinite loop and I’m done playing games… I’m done chasing you… I know you don’t love me, I’ve always known it…

It’s just that 1% possibility of ‘us’ that keeps me going. I always imagined us together… and it’s killing me again… I love you Lily Su. I love you so much… I want you to be my girlfriend. I want to spend my future with you… But you don’t love me, not romantically… You’ll never reciprocate my feelings… 

I have to tell you and ask if you feel the same way….

[16/12/11]

Went to Luna park and I’m so tired.

But the main thing I want to leave behind is….

I think I’m falling in love with Lily again… I mean everything she does is so cute and while it makes me happy that we seem to look like a ‘couple’,…, I don’t think she loves me romantically… So I guess I shouldn’t get my hopes up again…

Still, it was really cute that she leaned on my shoulder, I feel like she relies and counts on me? So yeah, it’s nice to feel wanted~ And she decides to sit next to me~ So that’s nice~~

Edit: 

PS: I feel like we don’t know where we are in our relationship. I feel like we’re more than friends, but less than a relationship…

[12/12/11]

Ahhh I was just thinking about writing in this private diary of mine and hmmmm….~~

I guess it’s nice to be able to be so comfortable around Lily. She’s my best friend, someone who I can be myself with. I find it so wonderful how we are able to talk and talk for countless hours. I can’t do this with anyone else…. And while I think this is amazing, I also think it is slightly tragic… Because if I can’t constantly talk to my ‘future’ girlfriend or other friends, then I think the romantic relationship is not sturdy or stable. I guess apart of me always noticed this perk with Lily, which is why my heart is constantly holding onto her. She’s the only girl who I’m soooo comfortable around that I can talk non-sense and still have a fun time. And maybe this is why apart of me always thinks of her ‘as the one that got away’, the girl I let get away….

The thing is, I’m also a schemer… Sometimes I try to ‘test’ if she likes me, and if she had feelings for me, then maybe I’ll fall for her again - and ‘maybe’ ask her to be my girlfriend. But even through my schemes, she doesn’t like me, not romantically anyway. I noticed she will never say “I love you” or admit she’s my best friend, and I remember reading those personal posts explaining why she cannot say those phrases. So apart of me continually tries to segregate any romantically feelings towards Lily. 

But let me tell you something, when I was with her yesterday, her actions….. they reminded me of the past. She’s still really cute and pretty. I remember her ‘cute girly’ voice, which kinda makes me melt LOL And when I say ‘It has no affect on me” - I lied. Every time you use that voice, your cuteness goes up by 2 million levels hahahha. And your actions! Whenever you hold onto me with your beautiful hands, whenever lean on me, my heart wavers. It’s those actions which made me fall for you. So sometimes I have to remind myself that you’ll never love me romantically. I have to firmly state “you’re not my future wife”, because if I let my heart fall for you again, I know I’ll just be heartbroken. I can’t let myself get to that state, not again. It took me a whole year to get over you. But at the same time, I don’t know if I’m still in love with you…. It’s days like yesterday which make me think I love you, but it’s the past and future which scare me.

If you don’t love me, the way I love you - then I’ll be hurt….

But let me admit something, if right now she told me she liked me more than a friend, then…. after a LONG think, after a long read of all those past depressing posts, I’ll have to contemplate and juxtapose the past and future with her… But ultimately I think…. if she said she’d like me, then I’ll go buy a bouquet of roses, find her and ask her to my girlfriend. 

But this is just apart of my schemes or buried emotions. I know she doesn’t like me, which is why you’ll always be the ‘girl that got away‘….

PS: When you were sitting on the couch and your hair went back a bit… I think my heart starting beating faster. You’re beautiful Lily Su :) Kawaii haha

[3/12/11]

Seriously, why is it that I remember nearly everything between us…

When I was with Richie today, the moment I saw the Chinese Gardens, the Ferris Wheel area, the playground, the cafe’s, the ocean and darling harbour - I just remembered ‘us’. And although half these events didn’t actually happen, I feel like I’m picturing them in my mind. I know somewhere deep in my heart I still dream and long for the possibility for ‘us’… And even though I said I’m over you, I feel like that longing feeling is starting to grow… As in, everything I see reminds me of you… and my heart is crumbling again.

It’s weird when I see somewhere we’ve been to, and I think of us.

It’s even weirder when I see the places we were ‘meant’ to go, and I think of us.

It’s even weirder than that when I see the places I’ve been with other people, and I think of us going there…

Why am I picturing you in everything. I feel like I’m obsessed with you…

I really don’t know my feelings right now.

It’s like my head is saying ‘no’, and my heart is saying ‘go’... (tumblr quote somewhere =/)

And who is right? My head or heart?

I feel like she’s everything to me. My whole world revolves around her, in the past, present and future. I guess I always imagine and plan scenarios in my head that she and I were happy together. But this is my heart talking… It’s not logical, because I definitely know she doesn’t like me. =/ I know Khanh would say just go for it. Go ask her out, be a man…. but then my head kicks in….

My head’s saying, you can’t be with her. You two can never be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship because of the past experiences. You’ve known her for a long time and you’re always going to be in the friend zone - you’ve passed that romantic stage. And she doesn’t like you, like you love her…. She never will.

So why can’t I get over her? Lately I’m thinking about her more and more… I really need an escape from this.

And honestly, I’m not going to try and see you anymore. I’m not going to ask you out, to hang, to cake, to anywhere. BUT UGHHHH!! I don’t know what I should be doing. I feel like I want to forget about you and move on. Yet at the same time, I don’t want to forget about all those fun and happy memorries of ‘us’… THIS LONGING FEELING AND UNRESOLVED RELATIONSHIP IS HOLDING ME BACK FROM MOVING ON….. I WANT TO SCREAM AND JUST LET IT OUT…..

[2/12/11]

I complain too much. I know I do… But that’s just who I am…

Anyways, I kinda had a feeling Lily would cancel the event. I knew she would….She always does this and I always feel disappointed… =/ 

I met Sarah’s friend called Lesley and she’s amazing. She reminded me of myself and when we were having dinner at 9pm, she told us that she ‘expects’ so much more from people because she was willing to do the same. That she actually ‘does’ so much for people, but they didn’t do the same for her…. And this really resonated within me. I’ve felt this so many times… I’m always disappointed and having my hopes crushed. And I know Lily doesn’t intentionally does this, but it still hurts. I’ll never get mad or angry at her….but I do feel disappointment… And I know Lily’s always busy… But Jennifer once told me that a girl, even with a busy schedule, will always find time for a close friend… But this phrase was more for a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, so it probably doesn’t apply to my situation with Lily… But still, what I’m trying to say is - I’m willing to do so much for Lily, I really am trying… But she will never do the same for me… 

Honestly, I’ve given up of even going out with her, getting cake and having a good time… I feel like I’ve suffered so much and I’ll just continue to suffer even more if I’m continually trying to even see her… I said she’s my best friend, and I meant it. But it’s times like this which I feel like everything is too much. Although Sidney is also my best friend and I hang out with him a lot, I can’t rely on him too much because he’s Sarahs - if that makes any sense…

I guess what I’m trying to say is I want to rely on Lily more, as well as Sidney. But it’s obviously not happening. I don’t even know why I consider you as my best friend… I mean although you make me happy, smile, laugh - be myself, talk for hours, do crazy fun things, I feel like that’s all we’re ever going to do.. You’ll never be there for me in my dark times. I feel like we’re shut off from each other, like you’re not even trying anymore to see me… And I know we’re not boyfriend/girlfriend, but we’re close friends! Which is why I feel like we should be spending time together, especially during the holidays… I never see you during University and I’m constantly disappointed…

Thinking back over the past few years, I’ve been disappointed so many times…. I don’t know what I should feel or do anymore =/ 

Oh and yeah, even though I asked you to come to the beach house - AND I REALLY WANT YOU TO COME! I somehow already know your response… You’re not coming are you? And I really feel this way because of past experiences… Every single time I asked you out, you ‘mostly’ never went… I feel like I’m just setting up expectations for myself and I don’t even know why…

But I would really want you to come, just to hang out =/ Sighs 

Lily Su….. Am I still in love with you? Why am I getting all worked up typing this? I don’t actually think I’m romantically in love with you anymore. I guess this rant just stems from you being my best friend….

PS: Do you consider me as your best friend?

I was up thinking about this,…, I was sleeping thinking about this….

But who is the Peanut?! I must find out…

I keep thinking it’s Philip - ‘P” for Peanut? Yet at the same time I think it’s Richie!!! T_____T 

I know it’s definitely not me, I’d be the ‘Rooster’ O___O

Why?

Honestly, why is it that I’m picturing Taeyang’s Wedding Dress song and I’m juxtaposing Lily and I? WHYYYY? I don’t get it… Every time I hear this song, all I can think of is sadness and regret… I feel like we’re unfinished. We haven’t resolved our relationship. Where are we? Where do we want to go? What will happen from here? All these questions… They’re leading to regret… And this is the one thing I don’t want to feel in life… I want to say and do everything….

SO WHY DAMMIT!?! TAEYANG! JEEEZ! Why’d you make such a awesome, yet depressing song T______T The whole song is about regret (from what I’ve seen in the music video). AHHH, I don’t know if I still have feelings for Lily. But lately I feel my heart cracking again… I don’t know why,…, but it’s happening again… I’m starting to feel sad, obsessed, and regretful. I feel like she’s my biggest ‘What-if’ and I can’t take it…. 

But at the same time, I don’t want to be her boyfriend. I need someone who’ll continually love me, tomorrow, the day after; not just ‘now’. I need someone who’ll show they love me, more than a friend. I can’t stand being in the friend zone… I just want to find her already. I don’t want to be alone in this big scary world anymore. I want someone to give me hope and faith….

[30/11/11]

So I was with Sidney and G and then I said I’m going out on Friday with Lily. Next thing you know, G asks ‘You two are going out?’

And almost immediately Sidney says “They’re just friends”. At that time, I was frozen. I didn’t know what to say…. Firstly, I would like to thank Sidney for just clearing things up for me. Although I never actually told you I’ve been in love with Lily (in year 12), I can tell you knew. I can tell you’ve known for a long time, and with my current relationship with Lily, I just want to thank you. I can tell you understand my emotions… and although they’re so distorted and complex towards Lily, thank you for clearing things up for me. I don’t know if I would have the courage to say it for myself….Yet it is weird that I don’t have such courage… because I say I’m not in love (boyfriend/girlfriend) with her, yet I can’t say we’re just friends? I wonder why is that…

Anyways, I still remember in year 12, a lot of people asked me “are you going out with Lily?”. There were a lot of rumours going around, and at that time, I guess I felt kinda happy that people saw ‘us’ as a couple? But I also remember during that period of rumours, I was not actually in love with her… I fell for her much later… and then fell out of love with her… Ahhh…. My emotions towards Lily are so distorted and complex… Still….Those were the first rumours that I’ve experienced in all my High School life, how exciting hahaha :)

Well, that’s all I wanted to say. Thank you Sidney for being there for me. Although I’m not in love with her anymore, I guess it’s still hard for me to tell others my relationship with her (even though we’re best friends?)…

[26/11/11]

Haven’t blogged in a long time hmmm….

Well I guess I’ll talk about my relationship with Lily. 

How do I begin…..?? ughhh

Ahhh…. Well here I go… 

Sometimes I think we’re back to being close friends,…, yet sometimes I feel like we’re still pretty distant apart. Like I hate it how she never tells me things, important things. Such as volunteering at vinnies… I remember asking her in last semester about volunteering and how I would like to do it (preferably with her because it may be more fun together). But maybe she sees it as a possibility that spending time together there may lead to something else? Well as in, sometimes I think that if we spend too much time together, maybe, I’ll fall for her again. But it’s different now. I have a tough mindset that we’re not meant to be together. She’ll never fall or be in love with me; it’s something I’ve always known and continually told myself over and over again. 

I love you Lily, but not romantically. Not anymore.

So I really don’t get it… I constantly feel like you don’t want to hang out with me anymore. I really feel like you want to be alone, to forget about your past, which includes me. And I know it’s selfish that I want to spend all my time with you, but that’s because we’re best friends right? I honestly consider you as my closest best friend. You’re someone who I love to hang around with, and I really want to spend as much time with you - to create as many memories as I can before we part from each other. Because let’s face it,…, one day in the future we’re going to separate - to move away in different life directions; you will definitely get a boyfriend and that would mean Raylee is no longer a person you’ll hang around. I’m just so afraid we won’t see each other again in the future, which is why I want to spend the present all with you. I don’t want you to go…. Because I’ll miss you… I always miss you… Even if we spend the whole day together, the moment you leave is the moment I start missing you. And I hope that doesn’t sound ‘too’ scary - as in me obsessing over you LOL. But it’s just how I feel.

Also, honestly, you’re the ONLY person who I like calling me ‘Raylee’…. Seriously, if anyone else says it - I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. I CAN’T STAND IT. Maybe it’s their tone, pitch or volume? But it really aggravates me when someone says Raylee. And when I say ‘Raylee’ - I always kinda imagine your tone projecting it, which is why I don’t mind saying it? - If that makes any sense… But yeah, Lily - my name is actually ‘Rayleigh’ - it’s a soft and gentle ‘leigh’- not quick and fast ‘lee’. You’re always saying a quick and fast ‘lee’ and usually I find it annoying when people say that, but not with you… I don’t know why I find it comfortable when you say ‘Raylee’, even though it generally makes me angry as it’s not my name…. I guess I just find it soothing when I hear your voice, regardless of what you say…

PS: Sidney and Jlee say ‘Rayleigh’ :) or ray hahha