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Dates of the year are important
Here’s to the [9/3/12]…
PS: This is one long ass blog… The dates are… interesting…
Lily
I need to let you know that I’m still so very confused about everything. I’m scared of our relationship and what it might become. I really like hanging out with you but I’m afraid I’ll fall for you again. And I want to regularly hang out and chat with you, just like old times, but it’s scary when I think about it. So I want to know your opinion. What do you think about ‘us’ hanging out? And don’t give me that superficial bullshit about yeah we can still be friends that hang out, but then we never do. I want your honest opinion. You’re always going to be my best friend, regardless of what happens. So tell me, do you think we can maintain our friendship? Because right now I feel as we’re not close anymore…
And I’m really sorry if I’m mean to you, but seriously, my actions are just hiding the fact that I’m still afraid of our friendship. My evilness is trying to highlight that I’m slowly getting over you…. I can’t show you any kindness right now (mentioned in other blog), because my vulnerabilities would mean I’ll fall for you again… Sighs,.., I don’t want to be mean to you… but… I can’t help it…
Is that what you really think of me?
Do you hate me? Do you think I’m only nice to the girls I like?
Yes I’ll admit I ignored her. But I wouldn’t describe it as simply ‘ignored’. I would say it more as ‘avoidance’. But this was years ago, I’ve changed. I’m not the same person as I was back then. So no, I don’t ‘ignore’ people anymore. I don’t ‘avoid’ them either. I won’t run away anymore. I’ve taken things head-on and I’ll continue to.
Now what about you? Do you think I ignored you?
Honestly it really hurt if you did believe I ignored you. In my defense, you’re always busy. I rarely get the chance to even chat with you. And ever since I confessed, you never talked to me first. And if yes, you did begin asking tumblr questions, but if I hadn’t initially replied then would you have talked to me first?
You never talked to me first. Never.
I’m always the clingy, annoying type. I hate it when I annoy people. And since you were obviously busy and not replying consistently I thought I was annoying you. I’ll never ignore you, you should know that. I feel it’s you who’s been ignoring me. When was the last time you just called me and had a chat? The answer is never. I’m always the person who tries to talk to you. I feel as if I’m the only one trying to keep our friendship. And yes I’m scared of losing it, but if you’re clearly not even trying, then why should I?
I’m disappointed =/
Late Night Conversations
I thought I missed you, I thought I wanted you, I thought it was always fun to have late night conversations with you Lily… But why have they started to hurt? I always imagined to be chatting away late at night, but I am beginning to dislike them… I hate it how it hurts whenever I talk to you now… We’re changing, both of us… We’re becoming more and more distant; our paths are set to diverge. I guess the imagery I’m trying to evoke is we’re on parallel lines yet slowly we’re bending away from each other. Our lives keep moving apart and I definitely know one day we’ll be too far from each other… Sighs…
Please, Lily… Stop mentioning Rico… I don’t want to be compared to him. I don’t want you to see me on the same level as him… I felt so hurt when you said “I always thought of you as a friend, like rico…‘… I felt even more pain now that you keep mentioning his name. Rico this, Rico that… This pain of mine keeps growing because I feel as if he’s replacing me… You’re my best friend, definitely. But now, from deduction, I can tell he talks to you much more compared to me… I don’t know if you consider us as equals, but I always liked the thought that I was much closer to you.. And now he tells you things, which I wanted to be first to share with you… It really hurts…
Lately I keep imagining that one day you’ll be with Rico. And it’s not impossible, I know it may happen. The more time you spend with someone, the more you will like them… It happened with me… and it may happen with you… So please.. Stop mentioning him! If one day you were indeed with him as a couple.. I would be utterly crushed,.., maybe those thoughts will arise… ‘That should be me’… Honestly, I would be devastated because I thought I was your close(r) friend…
How do you see me now Lily? What am I to you? These thoughts really hurt…
Piano
I feel as if I lost all motivation to play the piano…
However, planning to meet with jen suddenly made me… more enthusiastic? I want to show off how much I’ve learnt lately haha xD So I guess jlee would be my inspiration and motivation for the continuation of my music phenomena? Engrish XD Hmm~
So I’m just picturing the future… and it really seems like Lily and I won’t be friends anymore.. There would be the occasional ‘Hey how are you?”… but I feel if we’ll never have any intimate conversations. I also ponder what would I do if I see her? I’ll probably just freeze there and have that awkward silence… Sighs… And the moment she finds a guy, he’ll come into her life… and then it’s really over… We won’t even be able to hang out as just friends…
I really need to get out of my house…
I finally confessed to her…
And I got rejected…
I guess it doesn’t hurt too much? Because I was expecting she didn’t like me romantically? But it still hurts… But I know I’ll be fine…. Time heals everything right?
I’m just afraid she won’t be my friend after this. I’m really afraid we won’t see or talk to each other again. But nonetheless, she’s still my best friend… I’ll do anything for her… She’ll always have a special place in my life…
And I know it wasn’t fair of me to confess to you, so soon after yours… but I guess I wanted to end the year with tying up any loose ends? Which I kinda did….
2012, please be kind to me…
It’s getting nearer & nearer
My heart is beating faster and faster.
Just thinking about confessing to Lily is so…. exciting, scary and thrilling; yet I have a feeling I’ll be left hurt and depressed. But I’ve known this, I’ve always known this. She doesn’t like me more than a friend, and if she did, it’s probably because her heart is still in so much pain from her rejection, and maybe she’s looking for someone to love her…. But that’s a 1% possibility, and that’s also scheming. That’s not me :P I won’t ever take advantage of Lily or any women when their heart is vulnerable. I want relationship to last; someone who I can spend the rest of my life with. So just thinking about this, I honestly believe Lily is the person I could spend the rest of my life with :)
She’s perfect, beyond anything I can imagine. She’s beautiful, cute and funny; three perks which define my future wife. She’s courageous, brave and strong; the name Lily Su has so much power. I love everything about you Lily Su. Your cute hands, your cute hair, your cute voice, your cute face, basically You. I love You, Lily Su. And yes, rhyme intended hahaha xD I keep looking back at our past conversations because I want to experience our moments together, again and again. When I was on facebook chat, I saw it said we had over 13,000 messages together - and just thinking how we also had so many conversations before the new facebook chat as well as msn convos, as well as real life convos, as well as text messaging. It seems as if we spent forever just talking together. And I love it how we are able to talk so much and have such a great time. This is one of the reasons why I fell for you.
Ahhhhh! I can picture myself with you… I can see my future with you… I can see how we would be dating, having a montage of all our cute and happy moments. I can see how I’ll one day marry you. I can see we’ll have a family (if you want children). I can see myself spending ‘forever’ with you… I can see all of this, only with you. You’re so special and important to me Lily. And I know it’s selfish for me to try and build up my confidence and confess to you, so soon after your rejection. But I can’t help it. I need to tell you how I feel towards you. I need to finally let out these emotions I’ve kept inside my heart for so long. Just as how you were so strong and brave in your confession, I need to follow your strength and do the same. And maybe it’s not fair that I’m using your confession as an example for mine, but Lily, I love your brave personality. You overcame those scary Luna Park rides all by yourself. I just sat next to you. I didn’t do anything. And look at you now, you’ve accomplished such a great achievement. I’m so proud to know you :)
Also, just thinking of why I need to confess to you, especially now… I guess it’s for a few reasons. The main one being I don’t want to feel regret. I don’t want to look back in my life 10 years from now and asked those ‘what-ifs’…I don’t ever want to see what my life could have been if I just told you. I think life is too precious to waste, so I need to live it to its’ fullest. And by confessing to you I feel as if my ‘regret’ would disappear. I’ll know the outcome to our complex relationship. I wouldn’t linger and mope in those ‘what-if’ possibilities… And lastly, I would be able to move on. In the expected worst case scenario of being rejected, I would eventually move on. Especially seeing through this whole year, I thought I was over you, but clearly I wasn’t. I fell for you, so easily, once again…. And maybe it’s true love if you fall in love with the same person, again and again, but who knows :S If I confessed, then maybe I wouldn’t search for you in other people. Maybe I’ll have clarity to finding someone else. But that’s overreaching myself at the moment. I just have to focus on being your boyfriend.
I’m more determined than ever to confess to you, before New Years Eve.
